Voices are raised, hearts are pumping, words packed with emotion are being flung around and before you know it, you are having a full-blown argument with your partner. It can be as petty as ‘the dishes weren't done’ to bigger issues like cheating or financial irresponsibility. Whatever the case may be, how you argue is very important. How you argue and your ability to roll through disagreements can eventually be a maker breaker in some relationships. Moments of losing your shit or not practicing coping skills when triggered can be a relationship killer.
Ask yourself, how do we argue? Are you able to have solid discussions with your partner when you are in disagreement? Are you able to vent your true emotion in a cathartic way or do you fear the penalty of anger or punishment if you speak freely? Are you able to have a heated verbal exchange without cursing at each other or trying to degrade and insult one another? Hello, my name is Grace, and before coping skills, I have failed miserably in all of these categories.
I know I am not alone. I can also confidently say I have been both the aggressor and on the receiving end of ridiculous behavior during angry moments with my spouse. I look back and cringe at some of the flashbacks. Mind you, I have been with my husband since I was 15 and we solidly wore the title of juvenile delinquency as badges of honor. We had to grow through unhampered teenage emotion into this, ‘have to use our coping skills, we’re approaching 50’, phase of life. It’s fucking crazy remembering the raw emotions we experienced in our youth, the tumultuous rowdiness of our twenties, and the growth in our 30’s. Now, I’m living this, ‘Our 40’s’. I still have to put in work but can solidly reflect and say, “Thank God for growth.”
Here are some pearls that I wish I was more aware of as I was going through it. Truth be told, these things I still practice, especially when I’m about to take it back to Grace, circa 1993.
Never put hands on each other. There is no excuse for physical violence and even the quick ‘slip up’ is enough of a red flag to deal with and re- evaluate the expectation of your relationship. Reparation after violence is hard and sometimes impossible. Many end up in a cycle that isn't even recognizable until you are full blown in the cycle of violence. Prolonged exposure to abuse can also lead to things like Battered Woman’s Syndrome, Battered Husband Syndrome, and PTSD. Call the police or flee from the abuser ASAP. You may feel like you can't but just reach out. There are resources and organizations that can help.
Don't curse at each other. The moment you let the “fuck you”, the “you fucking bitch”, or the good ol “fuckin cocksucker” out of those 2 lips on your face, you change the game forever. The standard of acceptance is officially lowered and be prepared for the disrespect to be repeated. By not setting a boundary, you let your partner know you are ok with being spoken to sub-standardly and this may in turn yield a relationship full of verbal abuse. This is a killer of self-esteem and if your kids see it, they will learn it and repeat the cycle.
Try not to do things that are utterly catastrophic to your relationship. Violence is def a killer but there are other big things like cheating, financial infidelity/ irresponsibility, and deviance in all forms. There are too many to list. Just know that if you participate in any of the above stated, it will provoke emotions in the people that love you. Those emotions most likely will result in some type of confrontation and potentially an emotional outburst. Any human with underdeveloped coping skills or still emotionally immature might be placed in a situation they are unable to process healthily, and it could lead to a really yucky situation. Heads up.
Ultimately, self-awareness is key y'all. Realize what your limits are, set boundaries, and be aware of what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior. Speak up in a healthy manner about the things you dislike and verbalize your boundaries in a healthy way, in the moment. Sometimes, having to recall the event and remember the exact behavior is hard and when you're already emotionally pumped, it may not be communicated effectively. When possible, nip shit in the bud! Don’t let patterns of undesirable behavior develop. The longer you allow someone to behave poorly and unchecked, can result in a situation that you can’t reel in. The unchecked behavior will solidify and it’s hard to ‘teach an old dog new tricks’.
In a perfect world we wouldn't have to worry about this shit, but the reality is, arguments are going to happen. You and your partner will disagree. The methods you use to communicate and resolve conflict will either break down or build up the foundation of your relationship. Don’t end up doing or saying things that may end up taking you years to recover from. The goal is to never permanently break critical pillars like respect, love, and safety in your relationship.
If you are having a difficult time trying to connect with your partner or perhaps need a reset, we recommend our Rejuvenation Experience. You can also explore all of our connection experiences and see which one is most appropriate for you. https://www.thebondedbox.com/product-page/rejuvenation-box
If you are in an unsafe or in dangerous situation, please reach out for help from your support system or call 911 or The National Domestic Violence Hotline @ 1-800-799-7233.
You are not alone, and you are loved and deserve to be safe. We also recommend everyone read “Where Intimacy Begins: The Workbook”. https://www.thebondedbox.com/product-page/digital-copy-where-intimacy-begins-the-workbook. This is a great way to touch base with connection and will give tips on how to develop healthy behaviors with yourself and your partner. Always love yourself, know your worth, and realize that you are deserving of every beautiful thing the universe has to offer.
Vibe high my friends,
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